Yesterday I thought I might have found a small place of understanding within myself.
Yesterday we took time to celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He had a dream. It is a beautiful dream and one I hope to see full-filled in my lifetime, but his dream brought into specific relief for me the fact that I don't believe I have ever had a dream. Not really.
As a kid - the only dream I remember is wanting to be an Egyptologist. Living in Southern Illinois, I was able at a very young age to figure out that a life of Egyptology is best lived in Egypt - and seeing no way to live there - the dream was short-lived. Apart from that I don't believe I have really had a dream. Be it from a turbulent childhood lived in a number of different cities and a number of different schools, or be it just an innate part of who I am - I have never really claimed a dream. Instead I live by tasks and days. This thought is more than a little depressing. It makes me wonder - is my sense of wander and purposelessness driven by the fact I don't have a dream.
Please don't misunderstand me - I am blessed beyond my comprehension and have been given grace and mercy that I truly am unworthy of. God has been better to me than I deserve. Life is good by all normal standards and measures but yet I feel sucked into a darkness. I struggle to understand it and I pray for His light to penetrate it. Could it be that lack of a dream that is the cause?
I worry for my children. How do I help and allow them to dream? How do I model for them something I do not have? Is it too late to find my dream? Am I asking for too much?
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