Kills Houseplants

Bea's Song by The Cowboy Junkies

Kicking a Man When He is Down

I continue to struggle and look for light.

Today I felt a bit lighter and had hoped I had turned the corner, but then the bottom fell out.  Ever feel like you can do nothing right?

I have been looking for something else in my life. Some greater purpose. Some greater role.  I am starting to wonder if there is anything.  I am blessed by a caring husband and two wonderful children. We all have our health and have enough to live a very comfortable life. So - why do I need more?

More to the point - why would there be something more for me when I am not doing well with what I have already been given?

Tucking my son into bed tonight he asks me, "Mom, do you think I am a good kid?".

I was taken back by his question and said that of course I did - didn't I tell him that?

His reply was that I say things like "I love you", "How was school?", "How was practice?", but that I didn't come out and tell him that. This hit me like a ton of lead when I remembered that this morning he asked me if I thought he was funny.  So - why does my child have to ask me these things? Why am I not showering him with this nourishment that his soul so desperately needs? Aren't I in this same place right now - looking for my own answers to "am I a good kid" and finding my soul seeking the same?

Why would there be more when I am not doing well with what I have already been given?

He Had a Dream

Yesterday I thought I might have found a small place of understanding within myself.  

Yesterday we took time to celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He had a dream. It is a beautiful dream and one I hope to see full-filled in my lifetime, but his dream brought into specific relief for me the fact that I don't believe I have ever had a dream.  Not really.  

As a kid - the only dream I remember is wanting to be an Egyptologist.  Living in Southern Illinois, I was able at a very young age to figure out that a life of Egyptology is best lived in Egypt - and seeing no way to live there - the dream was short-lived.  Apart from that I don't believe I have really had a dream. Be it from a turbulent childhood lived in a number of different cities and a number of different schools, or be it just an innate part of who I am - I have never really claimed a dream. Instead I live by tasks and days.  This thought is more than a little depressing. It makes me wonder - is my sense of wander and purposelessness driven by the fact I don't have a dream.

Please don't misunderstand me - I am blessed beyond my comprehension and have been given grace and mercy that I truly am unworthy of. God has been better to me than I deserve. Life is good by all normal standards and measures but yet I feel sucked into a darkness. I struggle to understand it and I pray for His light to penetrate it. Could it be that lack of a dream that is the cause?

I worry for my children. How do I help and allow them to dream? How do I model for them something I do not have? Is it too late to find my dream? Am I asking for too much?

Trying to win

It feels like I have been on this quest to find my purpose for my whole adult life. And I probably have, but didn't realize it acutely until about 4 years ago. This here bloggy-thing was one attempt to funnel my energies into something that gave me a feeling of accomplishment.  In the end, while I enjoyed the writing, it was just another to-do on my list that got in the way of my living life. 

So this new year - in my resolution to live life I find myself  only occasionally out here  in some sort of odd online diary.  I don't know who is reading - or not. I am not certain why I am writing but that I feel that I have to say something to someone - even if in reality it is to no one.  

 I accepted our Pastor's challenge (wonderful Pastor - Pete Briscoe at Bent Tree Bible Fellowship - blogs on-line and he has a radio program and website www.tellingthetruth.org). It has turned out to be a lifeline in the sea of doubt, uncertainty and wandering that I have been floating in for several years.  Pete suggested that for 60 days - we make a concerted effort to read the Bible and journal our prayers.  So each day I read a verse and write to God what is in my heart.  

I am not sharing this (or not sharing it as the case may be) to give myself some sort of credit but to say that maybe I am gaining ground because today I feel totally under attack by The Enemy.  As defeated and lost as I feel today, I can only hope that is the ugly-one trying to undermine my new relationship with God and try and throw me off the plan He has for me.  That is my prayer - please let it be that I am "winning" and not that he is.

Slack or Enough Rope to Hang?

So I am trying to give myself some slack on this new-old mission of self discovery and sense of purpose.

As you can see for two whole days I posted on this here bloggy thing.  Then I promptly took a well deserved 9 days off.  So, it begs the question - 

Am I cutting myself slack or giving myself enough rope to hang on?

I am not someone who does well with the - lighten up approach. I am not known for going easy on myself and unfortunately not on those around me either.  While I am certain this will scar my children with untold psychological issues, it is apparently not in my makeup.

So - how do you balance achieving goals with actually living life?

Thoughts? Anyone?