I continue to struggle and look for light.
Today I felt a bit lighter and had hoped I had turned the corner, but then the bottom fell out. Ever feel like you can do nothing right?
I have been looking for something else in my life. Some greater purpose. Some greater role. I am starting to wonder if there is anything. I am blessed by a caring husband and two wonderful children. We all have our health and have enough to live a very comfortable life. So - why do I need more?
More to the point - why would there be something more for me when I am not doing well with what I have already been given?
Tucking my son into bed tonight he asks me, "Mom, do you think I am a good kid?".
I was taken back by his question and said that of course I did - didn't I tell him that?
His reply was that I say things like "I love you", "How was school?", "How was practice?", but that I didn't come out and tell him that. This hit me like a ton of lead when I remembered that this morning he asked me if I thought he was funny. So - why does my child have to ask me these things? Why am I not showering him with this nourishment that his soul so desperately needs? Aren't I in this same place right now - looking for my own answers to "am I a good kid" and finding my soul seeking the same?
Why would there be more when I am not doing well with what I have already been given?
I feel this way daily.
Posted by: mara | February 14, 2010 at 06:46 PM
You are not alone!!
Posted by: Monkey | February 17, 2010 at 08:16 AM