Kills Houseplants

Oh No They Didn't

Wednesday night Jake and I were doing a typical summer channel surf.  

I found two shows worth watching - Cops  and The Girl Who Never Grew. Jake did not want to stop at either preferring silly old Sports Center, but that is the power of the remote controller.  Not to be confused with the remote control - which is the device for changing channels, but the controller of the remote or the person who gets to pick the channels.

Let me pause here on a tangent about how brilliantly the Learning Channel names their programs. With offerings like; The Woman With Giant Legs, I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day, 650 lb Virgin, on this network, why would you settle for the one called Jon and Kate Plus 8? I love this straightforward, no-guesswork show titling.  I can safely assume that the show called "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" will feature a story about a woman who despite weight gain, stopping of a regular menstration and her sexual history now will get on nation tv and explain to the world that she is so clueless that she was having a baby unbeknownst to her until she went into labor.  I assume at some point we will each have to decide for ourselves if this clueless wonder should actually be allowed to raise a child - but I feel confident that the network will have another show called "I Didn't Know Raising Kids was Hard Work" on in a week or two.

I digress because the real point of this post was a commercial that came on. 

Maybe you have seen it - but in case you haven't - here it is

The Presidential Commemorative  Chia Pet

Jake and I had to stop and rewind the commercial because we thought it couldn't be.  Oh, but no - it is/was. $19.99 and it can be yours.

To steal a line from Jake - "when your commercial looks exactly like a commercial on Saturday Night Live, maybe you shouldn't be marketing your product". That and the fact that this is just wrong.

Apparently, I am not alone in this opinion as Wal-Greens has pulled the pet from its shelves and is now only available on-line.

But - in case you need to start your white elephant shopping early - thought I would share.

Junk Food Mail

I get a number of catalogs - most I pitch. Some I drool on then pitch and some I put in my blog fodder pile.  

These catalogs pique my curiosity on so many levels. Really there are enough people who buy this shit to warrant printing a catalog and mailing it to every household? Where do these people live and what do they do with this crap?

Case in point -

This was in insert and it has a red bar across the top that reads - No longer available after 12/31/09!

Oh no - whatever will I do without my M&M babydollls?  Look don't get me wrong - I love M&M's. Think they are close to being my favorite candy, but these dolls aren't for kids. What are grown-ups doing with these????

Can someone help me here?

Twitter This

Sometimes the well runs dry. 

Well, let's be honest - more often than not the well is really nothing more than a rain puddle and it is certain to dry up.  That is when I am grateful for the internet.  Not only can I find ridiculous news stories, and take pointless facebook quizzes, but I can go shopping and find some of the most bizarre items.  

This weekend is Father's Day and I have nothing to give Jake,  but not to fear - I am on it.

Jake is not a green thumb - after-all he married me and you know what the title of this here little bloggy thing is. If he had a knack for growing things he would probably have divorced me on the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment to a multi-celled organism for all the plants I have euthanized. But, all men are gadget guys at heart - so here is a little something I picked up for him. Maybe you can get one for the one you love as well. Enjoy.

Zoom More Images Internet-Enable your Houseplant There’s a school of thought that says that plants, like higher animals, have thoughts and feelings. They have an inner voice, and can tell you their life-stories, if only you could speak "plant." It’s not a difficult language to learn, actually - there are only a few words to contend with, since all they seem to care about is how much water they’re getting. There are no masculine or feminine nouns. Plus, there are no verb tenses, because plants have no concept of linear time. The original breakthrough was made just a few months ago when the chief scientist at CERN, attempting to converse with a patch of catnip translated through their Milliard Gargantubrain computer, was able to discern "I CAN HAZ TWITTER?" The scientist didn’t quite understand that gibberish, but his granddaughter did, and the Plant Twitter Kit was born. Once the kit is assembled, connect it to the Internet through the built-in ethernet jack, jam the leads into the plant’s soil, and subscribe to the plant’s twitter feed. It will tell you when it needs watering, or scold you if you’ve overwatered it, and report its status in between. The DIY Plant Twitter Kit comes unassembled, so you’ll have to break out the soldering iron and get to work. Don’t worry, it’s not that difficult to put together, and the satisfaction you get from building your own translation circuit is huge. Details Do-It-Yourself Kit includes everything you need to understand what your plant is saying Connects to Twitter over the Internet to report its watering status Some soldering skill is recommended but not required You’ll also need a soldering iron, solder, needle-nose pliers, small snips, masking tape and a flat-head screwdriver

 See the perfect gift.  Now my plant can tell me when it needs water, like that will help. I disregard the limp lifeless leaves that scream for some hydration - sure I will pay attention to it on my Twitter. (that sounds wrong). 

Some soldering skill is recommended but not required so that is a great fit - Jake has never soldered in his life, but I think I have my old wood-burning kit from 1979 - sure that will work!

Happy Father's Day Shopping.

Better Living through Science

There are any number of technological advances that daily make my life better. Who doesn't love their laser guided scissors?

I couldn't cut out those funny little Family Circle cartoons without them. Think of all the time they would have saved the Unibomber on his ransom notes using them. To steal a line from Dr. Evil - they "have a freakin' laser" on them.

And how would I compose my post, or more importantly update my fb status without wearing my tech scarve. 

It's fashionable. I have one in every jersey knit color. How could I possibly deal with the glare from the room lighting without it?

And finally - when those Texas rains come down and you are suddenly attacked by Ninja's - what's a girl to do but pull out her.....

Samurai-Sword Handle Umbrella.  Here is what the text selling this number says, "For, apart from looking unbelievably awesome, the Samurai Sword Handle Umbrella is a dang fine umbrella. It will keep you dry and the envy of your friends". 

Sure, provided your friends are a bunch of 8 year old boys. Going to have to leave it to the jury on the "looking unbelievable awesome" part.   

Hope these items help you get a jump start on your Christmas shopping list.

Legend of Zelda

I watch G4. It is an odd little channel that I think if it had a written description of its programming would say, "programming aimed at those interested in 1980's incarcerations (COPS), paranoid monogomists (Cheaters) and video game dweebs (Blister, Cheats, X-Play, etc)".  I am a COPS fanatic and therefore find myself on the channel with frightening regularity.  

Due to the ridiculous viewing audience, G4 has some very interesting advertisers sponsoring their programs. Today's post is one such advertiser -

STLOcarina

What the hell you might ask, but if you were a die-hard Zelda fan you would know. You must because the opening words of the ad were "if you have played the Legend of Zelda games and been haunted by the intoxicating music, now you too can be transported to another world with your very own Ocarina. You can be playing like Link in no time. Go to stlocharina.com to get your own ocarina today.

I watched this very low quality ad and thought that this might be a punk'd type ad. G4 is not, as I have already described, your most linear channel and I wouldn't put it past them to have a false ad that would actually link to either some adult website or some videogame cheat log.

But I went to the link and here is what I found: 

12 Hole Purple Clay Alto G Major Ocarina  -One of our best ocarinas.  -Zelda and Folk Songbooks included  -Collector's box included -This week only, get it for 50% off regular price!  -Purple Clay Alto F Major is also available for 50% off

Clicking on the details link led me to the product features and pricing. This ocarina (which looks frighteningly similar to a Star Trek phaser - conincidence? I think not) comes with the Zelda Songbook #1 (so there is more than one ocarina Zelda songbook?) and Folksong volume 1.  You get all of this for this week at the 50% discounted price of $70. 

Are you freakin' kidding me? Who ever pays $140 for this thing?

The great news is that if you start playing the ocarina - you can enter into the Ocarina Star Search International competition. The "episode one" link is here (I don't think the Star Wars naming is accidental either). When I clicked on the link I must say one of my biggest fears was confirmed. the STL in the web address does stand for my former home area. It makes me wonder how close I was to becoming an ocarina virtuoso. If only I had stayed - perhaps I would be crossing the countryside in the Ocarina Zelda concert tour.

 

I will keep you all updated on the progress of the St. Louis ocarina contingency as I have now given them my email address in order to bring you this post - I imagine I will be getting lots of spam updates - lucky me!

If you have been looking to launch your videogame based musical career - I hope this helps!